Column: My love language according to Gary Chapman


Did you know that there are 5 ways of emotional expression when it comes to love? If you didn’t know about this, chances are high you didn’t even know there is a whole book about it. Read today’s column to discover my love language

Hi everyone, my busy schedule came creeping in so it has been a while since my last column, but here we are. A couple of days ago my house mates and I had a conversation about how we experience love and what we think the key to our heart is. It got me thinking and I figured it would be a nice topic to talk about in my column here. 

A love language is different to everyone, because everyone values things more or less. There’s this book by Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages, which breaks down our relationships and things we value. He discribes our modes of emotional expression into 5 categories: 

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

To everyone each of the above is more or less important than the other. Understanding someone’s emotional language can help a relationship. It is also a good way to communicate with one another and explain why things matter (or not). Let’s dig into all 5 categories. I’m sharing with you my thoughts. 

1. Words of affirmation

Receiving a nice and honest compliment once a while is a sweet way of showing affection. Especially if the compliment is not just about physical appearance but also the result of something you did or you are good at. 

To me a compliment can sometimes be a big deal. For instance if I’m having a bad day, it can change my mood and make me feel a bit better. Too many compliments are a no for me, because then I start to wonder the sincerity of it all. A good balance is needed I think. 

2. Quality Time

Time is something we only have so little or so much of, depending on how you perceive the world. Spending actual time with the person you love is probably the best way to spend the time you have on this Earth. And it’s about the quality of time spend, as the word suggests. It’s about spending actual time and undivided attention.

I’m always busy and I have to pre-plan a lot of things in my life. But when it comes to relationships, I have always been very spontaneaous. I don’t like changing plans and all the hassle that comes when clients postpone meetings. However, I do cancel or move my schedule around easily if my relationship requires it or if it means seeing the person I love more. To me this is probably something I need the most. I also just like being in the same room as my partner, even if we are both doing something completely different. It’s just about the feeling of being close to each other. 

3. Receiving Gifts 

Gifts are a visual symbol of love and affection, because you have something in hand that bought, made or found by someone who cares about you. It’s a proof of thoughtfulness and the intention behind it should always be about showing you care. But the idea of gifting should come naturally and not something that he or she feels is necesssary or the ‘right thing to do’.

I remember this guy I dated who brought me a little gift everytime we met up. I also remember how surprised I was each time and how good it felt. Especially because the gift was related to a date or something I said weeks before. 

On the other hand I don’t really care that much about gifts that are expensive. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don’t like being “bought”. 

4. Acts of Service

A lot of the time (especially in heterosexual relationships) certain chores or activitities are met with sterotype behaviour: ‘women should do domestic chores’ and ‘men moan the lawn’. In same-sex couples a similar effect can pop up: ‘that’s your job, that’s not my responsibility’. Some people love when their partner does the unexpected and helps out with those daily routines and sometimes not so glamourous activities such as taking out the trash. It speaks volumes, no matter how big the task. 

Personally I love it when a guy makes me dinner after a long day of hard work or does the grocery shopping. I love cooking and I hate grocery shopping. But after a long day of work, not having to think about cooking, that shows he understands how I’m feeling. 

5. Physical Touch

‘Men need sex to be happy, so physical touch must be their main love language’, this is wrong in so many levels. Because physical touch is not just about sex. It is part of it, but so are things like holding hands and being hugged. 

I’m not sure if I am really a physical person. I know I like kisses and hugs, but I also like to be left alone. Sex in a relationship is something important to me, because it is so personal and intimate. But again, I don’t really know how much I need it. I mean I’ve been single for over a year and yes I do miss the feeling of being intimate with someone or cuddling. But I guess, I’ve gotten used to it maybe. 

My love language

Now that we have gone through these five ways of showing love, it is time to put together my top 5. Number one is what I think I find most important or what makes me happiest. And on number five what I think I find less important: 

1. Acts of Service

2. Quality Time

3. Words of Affirmation

4. Physical Touch 

5. Receiving Gifts

I found this test online and after I answered all of the questions it said that I was more a physical person than I thought. And reading the explanation I realised that how accurate it was. And it’s not physical as in sex. But it’s about a cuddle once a while or a quick kiss, or even holding hands. The results of the test explained that to me the feeling of touch together with words of affirmation it means security and reassurance. 

I hope you like this longer column and you thought this was an interesting topic. Feel free to leave a comment below or come talk to me on my instagram account. See you next time! 

This article has been written by @ANGELO VERO

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