Normally an article would be online here today about how to date without having to use yet another app. And although I had started the article, it has been postponed for the time being. Because it’s just not landing, just like a lot of other things aren’t happening at the moment since my dad passed away two weeks ago.
Yup, you read that right: my dad passed away on January 14, 2021. After a very short fight against cancer, he lost the battle after only two months. The whole situation has completely turned me upside down. From day one to day fifty-six.
The reason for my column here on Blogzine, is to help others who don’t feel good in their skin. To reach out to those in need of a chat. To offer answers to questions that someone has been wondering about for a long time and can’t find a solution to. But above all to show that you do not have to be alone, especially when you need support at those difficult moments in your life. That is also the reason why I have chosen to share my story. Because also in my life things happen and sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore. Or it feels like the world is falling apart.
The news about my dad hit hard. I remember it very well, because it was my on birthday last november. Sometime in the afternoon I got a call from my sister, who told me my dad had news from the hospital that they had diagnosed advanced cancer. All was not looking good, the doctors said. The rest of the day I mostly cried.
In December, my brothers, sisters and I all went over to spend time with the dad. I chose to stay longer. That became one month, until I had to go back home at the beginning of January, as I couldn’t put off work anymore. On the night before I left, it was already clear that he was deteriorating tremendously. And as soon as I got back home, he tried to fight for a few more days, only to lose the battle shortly after.
It all happened so fast. When I had finally somehow accepted that he had cancer, it was already time to accept that he would not be around for long. And that is now. Now he’s not here anymore. And I feel a huge emptiness, which I didn’t know was possible.
I am usually the kind of person who always shows when I feel good, but never shows when I feel sad. Showing negative emotions remains a difficult one for me. I don’t know why. There’s not even a handful of people I have real conversations with when I’m sad. Since the death of my dad, I did try to share my feelings more. I found that a lot easier with strangers, by the way.
Some days I sat alone in my room and I started to do lives with random people on instagram. Those conversations really did me good, because I had little control over them. On my side I was alone behind my smartphone and on the other side there were my insta followers who came to talk, share their love and support with me or just wanted to cheer me up with funny things.
Other days I just posted sad stories and shared them with anyone possible. But the support I got from everyone online has been so wonderful. I am really grateful for all of my followers. Even when sometimes I feel like a fraud who doesn’t know what he’s doing. Or I overthink everything scared of being judged for putting myself out there.
Sometimes I suffer from motivation dips and it blocks my work flow. In the past, I would have really gotten into that and kept pushing to get things done. Now I try to accept those moments and just take it easy. Although it is still difficult to put the laptop and smartphone aside and not feel guilty that the work has been left behind. But afterwards I think, better that I left it for a while, because the way I finished it now, that would never have worked.
So what I’m getting at is this: it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. It’s ok to not feel like anything and to just want to watch series or stay in bed all day. Not every day we have the strength, energy and courage to give it our all. At those moments it is important to listen to yourself. Your body and mind give signals, ignoring those signals is much worse than taking some time for yourself and then moving forward at full speed.
At the moment I take each day as it comes and try to cope with the news of my dad. I just realized that if you are reading this piece, you have been reading my story for several minutes now, and I want to thank you for that. So, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I invite you to dialogue with me if you have a story of your own that you would like to share with me, or for any reason. My instagram is an open door, you can always reach out to me. Or you can also book a Buddy Talk.