Taboo month is almost over. Never before has a month been as emotional and exciting as this. But we’re not there yet, we end our series of taboos with four revealing testimonies about sex and bdsm.
I don’t know the question.But sex is definitely the answer
BDSM is a term for sexual preferences and role-playing games that make use of imposed physical limitations, intense nerve impulses or playing a power game. It encompasses a broad spectrum of activities, interpersonal relationships and subcultures. Bondage is the reduction of the partner’s freedom of movement through, for example, rope, handcuffs or restrictive clothing. Dominance and submission is the exercise of or submission to power. Finally, sadomasochism is the enjoyment of causing (sadism) or undergoing (masochism) pain.
Perhaps the most important rule within BDSM or sex in general is trust. Immediately linked to this is rule number two: open communication. Because these are very personal and sometimes far-reaching actions, clear communication is enormously important. Even when it comes to experimenting within the limits of one’s own relationship, it is advisable to communicate with your partner often enough. In this way you avoid things going wrong or happening against someone’s will. Open and honest communication also ensures that you are aware of your (bed) partner’s sexual preferences.
S (26, male)
During my previous relationship, I was cheated on by my partner. He secretly had sex with other men. The things he did with them were a lot more challenging and rough than the things we did in bed together. He cheated on me because he didn’t dare talk about it with me. He thought I wouldn’t be into all of that. But he should have, because then he would have known that I myself had a kinky side and I am willing to experiment. We tried it together for a while, but the trust in the relationship was gone. I don’t like lies, in fact I hate them a lot!
And I do understand some way how he must have felt, because for me too it is always a challenge to open up to someone new about my sexual preferences. There is this fear of being rejected or treated as someone gross. But not opening up is worse, because then you will never get what you want.
My preferences and experiences have changed a lot over time. Because you get used to certain things and meet new people that make you want to try new things.
C (27, female)
Sex is really an important part of a relationship for me. I genuinely need a man who desires as much as I desire him. As far as the emotional bond is concerned, it only becomes stronger when it goes hand in hand with good sex. I’m someone who likes to try new things and I also want to be able to talk about it openly with my partner. As long as it makes me feel good and my partner feels good, I am open to try something more extreme.
During the lockdown I tried a butt plug for the first time. It was my friend who persuaded me to try it. Anal sex is something I find horny, but at the same time you need a lot of trust in your partner. You don’t just bring it in as if it’s nothing, you have to be really relaxed for that. I’d rather take my time for that too. I do catch up on that time by playing afterwards and the pleasure during sex.
I want to experiment, but as soon as it hurts too much, it stops. And I don’t necessarily need my partner to try things himself. If he only wants to experiment with me and I enjoy it, then that’s good enough. Sex without toys or quickies is also possible for me, it doesn’t always have to be extreme or far-fetched.
S (34, male)
I’ve always been curious to try things. I spent some time with the idea that I wanted to be dominated. One day I met a master who had experience with bondage and the game of domination. I was intrigued and went along with the flow. It thought it would be liberating to leave control to someone else who decides how everything happens.
Because I wanted to know what that experience really was like, I let him do different things and take control. From roleplay to bondage, deep throath and edging/breath play*. It was incredibly bizarre. On the one hand you really feel that some practices scare you, on the other hand it makes you horny.
In the relationship master-slave there is also a certain atitude that holds up next to what happens during sex. And that’s where the shoe goes wrong. I was willing to experiment during sex, but apart from that I wanted to be in control of my own life. This because I wanted to decide for myself who I would talk to during a night out, or who I would kiss or whatever. I also wanted to decide for myself whether or not I wanted to have sex. That imbalance of power often means that you don’t have that choice anymore. And for most, that’s okay, because that’s their fetish. So after a few weeks, it didn’t work for me anymore. I’ve never really had a similar experience since.
*Edging: in edging, an individual is exposed for a period of time to practices that can lead to pain or death, but the intend is never to kill the person. Breath play is a form of edging (erotic strangulation sex) in which the individual is temporarily deprived of breath for the purpose of sexual stimulation. This form of sex can be extremely dangerous when performed by someone without experience.
A (28, female)
I do like a portion of rough sex and bondage. I usually start to move and dance very sensually. Whenever I have a belt in my pants, I throw it around my partner’s neck and pull it a little harder. Then I bite his tongue. I also like to slap or getting slapped a little bit. Sex should be both intense and loving to me. I always try to convince my partner to try something new. So most of the time I’m the dominant of the two, and that’s what I prefer.
I once had a boy who wanted to dominate me and he sometimes hurt me too. And that wasn’t the kind of pain that is fun and exciting. It really wasn’t a pleasant experience. Not only was he often drunk and used me exactly as a sex object. It was also often his own needs and emotions (if any) that counted. Maybe the worst thing was how aggressive it could get. Then he tied me up in such a way that I really had stripes. The sex was often so rough that I bled really hard. The problem with such a boyfriend or partner is that you lose yourself. I doubted myself and often felt inferior. The balance in our relationship was lost.
Has it always been that way? No! I also had some really nice moments and they probably gave me the best sex moments. But I think that experience has led to me now preferring to be the dominant person in the relationship. That way I am in control and I avoid losing myself again. Of course, sex is best when there is a balance, so being dominated from time to time is definitely possible.
After reading these testimonials, do you feel like exploring your kinky side further? Then we can only recommend one thing to you: communicate openly and sufficiently with your (bed) partner. And try exploring with small steps. As soon as you feel comfortable with certain practices, you can choose to go a step further. Whatever you do, do it safe and enjoy.
